(A Parody of Two Very Different But Similar Books)

Nerdy brunette klutz Loraine Anabella-Swan Gray has a big secret.

And she gets the opportunity of a lifetime to use it, when she’s assigned by her school newspaper to interview pale-as-death Christian Edward Cullenbanger IV, the fabulously wealthy new student at Puget High School.

Fantastically handsome (think: artistically perfect almost-girl’s face on a slender but muscular young man’s body), Christian angrily responds during the interview that he’s not a vampire, nor is he gay.

And he’s willing to prove it, right then and right there!

Sparks fly and emotions run wild as Loraine and Christian connect at nearly-first sight (after she’s signed the proper confidentiality and hold-harmless agreements, of course), because Loraine’s secret captivates him from the very beginning.

Even though it could destroy him!

As Loraine and Christian’s youthful passion ignites, their hunger only flares all the brighter when they’re caught half-naked in a variety of compromising positions in the tiny but soundproof Hearing Center testing booth at school.

Caught by the ambidextrous but smokingly attractive girls’ wrestling coach, Ms. Foutch, whose ‘paddle-first-and-ask-questions-later’ rule is ironically unbending. And applies only to the girls.

But complicating matters are Loraine’s two best friends forever!

John Jacob Jose’ Black Snow, the wolfishly-handsome Native American/Latino student who has a secret crush on her. And another secret of his own.

And Katarina, the beautiful blonde Student Editor of the school newspaper, who has a not-so-secret drinking, pharmaceutical drugs, stepfather and reckless sex problem. But she also has an actual secret, which threatens to break up her lifelong best friendship forever with Loraine.

Yet Loraine’s secret is an even bigger secret!

And it’s matched only by the far darker secrets of the fantastic and newly arrived Cullenbanger’s, Christian’s beautiful but decadent family whose depraved lifestyle and ancient secrets are carried on very secretly in their opulent mansion hidden deeply and secretly in the darkest of the dark woods.

Just outside of town!

Yet it’s those very dark secrets and their degenerate lifestyle that naïve Loraine, in her thirstily-driven need for Christian’s undying love and affection, is inexorably drawn into. Emotionally. And sexually.

And from which, she knows, she’ll never escape!

All in all, it’s a shocking and provocative story, strictly for adults only.

This extremely filthy parody of two books, one filthy and one not, was written originally under the covers in longhand by Mary Anne Spenser, no relation to the very proper Spenser family, who live in White Shadow, Nebraska and do have a daughter named Mary Anne.

But not this one (not anymore)!